Monday, March 3, 2008

The Top 100 of 2007 - Part 1 (The Also-Rans)

I still have a few straggling films that I've yet to see. That's mostly due to films that weren't made available in their theatrical runs, or that simply haven't made it to Tampa yet. I still have about 3 or 4 left, but I figured I would start out by listing the films that will not be making it on to the list.

I dislike every one of these movies, and you know what? As great as it is to exalt the films you love, sometimes it's just as much fun to have one last jab at the ones you hated. So here goes...

Total mixed bag. Gyllenhaall and Saarsdard would have been more believable in each other's roles, and it just furthers my belief that Witherspoon is not a very believable actress. Just plays off all of the shit you already feel.

The Brave One
Neil Jordan. Jodie Foster. What could possibly go wrong? For starters, this movie. Some interesting ideas behind it, but ultimately a waste of talent and time.

I Don't Want To Sleep Alone
I guess I'm being a tad harsh. It wasn't necessarily a bad film, just one that bored me. I find with a lot of Asian films, they are incredibly light on dialogue. Sometimes to great effect, and sometimes, like here, it seems like a disservice.

30 Days of Night
I'll give it some strong cinematography. And that's about it. But, what do you expect when you cast Josh Hartnett as your lead?

Crazy Love
A documentary about two losers who deserve each other. It's your basic "boy mets girl, girl goes out with boy, girl dumps boy and hooks up with someone hot, boy throws acid in her face and blinds her, boy goes to prison, and eventually girl realizes that her and acid-throwing boy were made for each other" story. I have no patience for stupid people. Sorry

Hostel 2
The only thing I can say in its favor is that it was better than the first one. But that wasn't a challenge. Still a shit movie, although there is something somewhat satisfying about seeing Bijou Phillips getting a circular saw to the face. So make that two positives.

I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry
Not as abhorrent as I thought, just monumentally lame and unfunny. Not unlike most Sandler movies.

The Invasion

Holy hell, this was as stiff as Kidman's overbotoxed face. It's about as limp as I would be during a Pussycat Girls concert.

I love Danny Boyle. I do. And this started out so strong. But it quickly went from the heights of Trainspotting to the lows of A Life Less Ordinary in record speed. just such a colossal disappointment.

Death At A Funeral
Comedies are supposed to be funny, right? This was just every damn obvious joke in the book.

Manufactured Landscapes

Lake of Fire
I never thought I'd feel myself more sympathetic to pro-lifers than I am after watching how completely biased this doc was and how simplified and cartoonish they made the other side seem to be. I'm vehemently pro-choice, but this was so heavy-handed even I couldn't bear it.

Rocket Science
When you lack talent or anything to say, just make it QUIRKY! Sundance will take it!

Black Sheep

I won't lie. I knew this would suck. It would be great if I still inhaled marijuana every half hour, but since those days are long behind me, this film should have come out in 1993. It would have ranked much higher then.

It's probably about as strong as you can make a documentary about getting fucked by a horse could possibly be. But, I mean... come on.

Broken English

When Melvil Poupaud and Parker Posey can't save your film sorry, but Zoe Cassavetes, you in trouble girl. Whiny nonsense.

Golden Door

I can't tell you the first thing about this movie right now other than it bored me to tears. Oh, and it had people swimming in milk with a gigantic carrot. Read into that however you like.

Boy Culture
Whiny nonsense, the gay version.

Year of the Dog

And this one started out so good too. And despite the ludicrous direction the film spirals off into in the last third, Molly Shannon did a good job. But no one could have saved it from that last third.

La Vie En Rose

So Marion Cotillard won an Oscar. Big fucking deal. She's great, don't get me wrong. But great in OTHER movies. Not this one. It's a shrill, over-the-top, cartoonish performance that's beneath her. It came from the Gary Oldman school of acting, which roughly translates to "slather on make up and prosthetics and see just how over the top I go!!!!!" Oh, and she's the best thing about this movie. It's overlong, by the numbers, poorly edited, poorly directed, and just three hours of sheer misery, where you leave not ever knowing Edith Piaf; just a chronicle of every bad thing that happened to her. Soulless bullshit film.

Lions For Lambs
I'm among the most bleeding heart liberals you'll ever meet. But this was even too much for me to bear. The fact that Tom Cruise stunk it up, yet again... not a shock. But Streep and Redford? You almost have to TRY to make them suck. Kudos. You did it.

Ugh. Such a disappointment. Hopkins, I can see it from. He did one iconic character and tries to infuse that into everything else he'll ever do. But Ryan Gosling's far too good for this kind of crap, and it shows because the film drags him right down with it. It's a film where you remain five steps ahead of the characters, so when the big "shocking" twist comes, you called it a half an hour before. Films that insult the audience's intelligence piss me off.

Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story
I love so many of the people involved, but this was just lazy humor that goes for the easy dick and fart joke. I expected better than this from the people involved.

Dan In Real Life

Good lord. This was almost like a Frankenstein's monster of cliched jokes and setups that attracted way too many talented people to a film that amounts to nothing. Nothing here is fresh, original, or noteworthy. It just cribs everything from films and tv shows that did it better.

The Ten
Now, I really enjoyed Wet Hot American Summer. But this is no Wet Hot American Summer. Never cracked a smile. Not once.

Rescue Dawn
God... where to start. Christian Bale is probably the most hit-or-miss actor working these days, and this is his biggest miss to date. He plays Dieter Dangler as if he was mildly retarded and reduces him to a caricature. And Jeremy Davies is no better, if not worse. The whole thing amounts to a bad Missing In Action movie. With worse acting.

Terror's Advocate
Such potential to be interesting. Too bad the main subject is such a pompous cartoonish douchenozzle.

Smiley Face
Again, maybe my not partaking in weed does something for it's ranking. But irredeemably stupid. Worst film of the year.

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